Boys Will Be Boys
by MistressShen
Summary: The Four Marauders are up to mischief again. Sirius falls in love with a broom closet, Peter develops schizophrenia, James discovers Lily's a MOP [ yuh . a mop . ] and Remus becomes addicted .
1. The Broom Closet

**The following was written by two teenage girls,  
( LILY & KALI . yuh . we're awesome )  
who were unsuccesfully attempting to escape the  
god damned heat. Expect unexplainable stupidity,  
random storylines, and excitable adolescent boys.  
Thankyou**. _Now on with the story_ ..

**BOYS WILL BE BOYS**

**CHAPTER ONE**

**The Broom Closet**

So anyway, James & Sirius were being preddy damn hot. Cuz they're just like that. And I think that basically, that's the best opening any story could ever have. Don't even think about trying to deny it. Ofcourse, as we all know, James was just like completely outshining Sirius. And okay, to satisfy Kali, Remus was being preddy damned hott aswell. But not as hott as James. Hmm. Don't you just love having control of the keyboard ..

( **KALI** ; get on with the damned story ! )

( **LILY** ; i was just telling the people what they wanted to hear ! )

( **KALI **; you . are . a . liarr ! LIARR ! yuh bitchh )

( **LILY** ; you smell like foot . baha . end of discussion )

So yeah. & Peter was uh, just standing there .. drooling ? Yuh. Sounds about right.

But anyway; back to the hottness. James, Sirius, Remus & butterball were for some reason standing in front of a somewhat conveniently placed broom closet in the middle of the hallway.

( **KALI **; wtf ! a broom closet )

( **LILY** ; just go with it )

"Ahh! Good ol' Broomie. Brings backs gooood memories .. " Sirius sighed, content.  
"You frighten me, Padfoot .. " Remus commented dryly, raising an eyebrow. Peter liked this.

"Just because I can get some, nerd child!" Sirius smirked to himself, stroking the door.

"I can too get some!" Remus protested, "Hey Peter. Wanna come in the broom closet?"

Peter's piggy eyes widened with excitement, "Hell yes! I thought you'd never ask!"

"See!" Remus puffed out his chest, "I told you I can get some!"

Sirius coughed, "Uh, Remus .. That's Peter, for christs sake"

"YOU DIDN'T SPECIFY!" Remus shouted, crying like a little girl.

( **LILY** ; wait a minute .. WHERE'S JAMES! )  
( **KALI **; you're the one writing it, tard! )

( **LILY** ; slaps self what's wrooong with meee ! )  
( **KALI** ; would you like me to be honest ? )  
( **LILY** ; blinks quiet, you ! )

So anyway, James was leaning against the wall, arms crossed infront of his chest, hair scruffed in a stylish manner, hott face being just damned hott as damned usual. And for my own amusement, some random chick walked by and fainted. Not because of Sirius, because of JAMES! I don't care what everyone says about Sirius being the ladies man, it's James now. So shutup! The girl would have been a tad shorted that Peter, although her figure was immensely slimmer, a little too slim. They suspected that were she to be standing, she would infact look terribly gangly, which ofcourse would not be helped by her hip-length, straight hair, curtaining her boney and defined featured face. Her outfit was tragic. A woolen sweater? Seriously ..

"What the hell just happened?" Remus blinked, staring at the girl in the middle of the hallway.

"I have no idea," James said, confused, "But we better move the body, looks a bit suspicious!"

"Good idea, James." Peter agreed, smiling in such a manner that his pudgy cheeks engulfed his nose.

"Riiiight" James frowned, "You scare me, Peter .. Lets put her in the closet."

"Alright, pick her up James." Sirius instructed, placing his hand on the closet handle.

"I don't wanna pick her up!" James protested, pouting in a very sexatronic way.

"Pick her up, James" Sirius said seriously. HAHAHAA! Pun definately intended.

"But she's uglyyy, I don't wanna touch her." James cried loudly.

"Hey Peter, I think you should pick her up. You're so strong and masculine!"

James, Sirius & Remus all turned their heads to stare at Peter, from whence the previous statement had come, and saw the boy with his hand cupped to his mouth. They stared. Peter's face fell; "I'm so alone!"

Sirius simply blinked, "Pick her up, James" he said in a very serious voice. ( hahaha ) Obviosuly disregaring Peter's previous two statements. And, might I add, with terribly good reason. I mean, seriously.

James sighed, defeated, and hesitantly bent down to pick up the unconscious girl. Nodding his head proudly, Sirius turned and opened the closet door, peering into the darkness. Almost instantly, he slammed the closet closed again & turned back around to face his best friend, a huge grin spread across his face. "James .. "

"Uh, yes?" James asked bluntly.

"I have absolutely no idea why. But Lily's in the closet .. "

James raised an eyebrow; "Uh, what?"

"DUDE!" Sirius exclaimed, "She's in her underwear!"

**Thud!**

In an instant, James had dropped the girl he had previously held witihin his arms, stumbled forward, tried to push the door open, spotted the " Pull " sign, pulled the door open, stared inside. And frowned.

"Uh, Sirius?" he inquired.

"Yess .. " Sirius replied smugly.

James reached into the closet and pulled out a mop.

"This is a mop."

" .. So it would seem."

"You thought Lily was a mop?"

Sirius opened his mouth to respond, although he quickly shut it and raised an eyebrow, a nervous expression sweeping across his face. Eventually, he managed to get out; " ... Nobody tell Lily about this."

"DEAL!" James agreed with no hesitation what-soever.

Smirking impotantly to themselves, James & Sirius shook hands briefly, before turning around with grins on their faces.  
And then they screamed like little girls. Although, James' scream was much more masculine than Sirius'.

"OH HELLO LILY!" James shouted in her face for some odd reason.

Alas, there Lily stood, hand on hip, scowl on face, parrot on shouler.

( **KALI** ; .. there's something wrong with you )

( **LILY** ; garrr ! i am a piratee ! )

( **KALI **: smacks you i don't know you )

"So, you think I look like a mop, do you Sirius?" She asked stiffly.

Sirius gulped, "NO . I . DO . NOT ! I . THINK . YOU . ARE . BEAUTIFUL !" he shouted nervously.

There was a pause.

**SMACK!**

"DUDE!" James shouted, "Stay away from my woman!"

"Since when have I been your woman?" Lily asked.

"Since I saw you naked." James smirked.

"That was the mop, James .. " Sirius said tonelessly.

"LET ME HAVE MY MOMENT!" James yelled, before the dreamy smile returned to his face. Lily rose an eyebrow, and then slapped him. "What was that for! ..Oh yeah, the whole picturing you naked thing."

Sirius coughed, "Why are you here anyway?"

Lily nodded and bit her lip, "I wanted to inquire into WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!" she shouted, pointing, horrified at the floor where the girl lay. James & Sirius looked over & jumped, disgusted.

"PETER! Why the fuck are you sniffing her foot?" James asked, weirded out.

"She reminded me of myself when I was a little girl .. "

Sirius blinked, "Go eat some chocolate, Peter."

"Okay, I will. But I won't enjoy it." Peter sighed.

"Yes you will."

"Okay so maybe I will."

Peter frowned and went to leave, but not before grabbing the unconscious girls foot & trying to drag her along with him. Unfortunately, she decided to wake up and scream, "WHY THE FAT ONE!"

"Because we didn't want you .. " James and Sirius shrugged simultaneously.

She began to cry; "I'm so alone!"

"SO AM I!" Peter shouted, overcome with joy.

"Really?" The girl mused, "Lets hook up."

Peter almost fainted, "OH MY GOD! FUCK YES! Peters back in the gaaaame!" With this Peter began thrusting his pelvis and doing a mating dance, even though he never was and still isn't in the game.

"Wait .. " He stopped suddenly, "Do you like chocolate?"

"Uh no, I'm allergic to chocolate." The girl stated blandly.

Peter looked horrified, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

"But Peter!" She cried, "I love you!"

"No .. No! Get away!" Peter waddled off as fast as he could, the girl on his heels.

Sirius, James & Lily stared after them with horrified expressions on their faces, truly disgusted by the scene they had witnessed, and secretly cursing the authors of this lovely story for making them witness it in the first place. But sucks to be them, because there's much, much more to come.

"Wait a minute .. " Remus said suddenly.

They all turned to face him, realising that he actually was there still.

"What?" They asked simultaneously.

"What .. Uh, why _would_ Lily be in the clost in her underwear?"

Sirius blinked, "DUDE! We're not even on that bit anymore!"

( **KALI** ; & than brings us to the end of the lovely chapter one ! )

( **LILY** ; hey ! wait a minute ! that really hurt when you smacked me back then ! )

( **KALI** ; DUDE ! we're not even on that bit anymore ! )

( **LILY** ; oh . well . it did . just so you know ! )

( **KALI** ; uh anywaaay . that was the end of the first chapter . review it ! )

( **LILY** ; uh wait ! why WOULD lily be in the closet in her underwear ! )

( **KALI** ; stares at lily .. stares some more .. leaves the room )

( **LILY** ; NO ! WAIT ! seriously .. my brain hurts .. )


	2. The Stoner

**Weeee'ree back! Oh, & you so missed us.**

**It's actually not that hott anymore. Cuz it's  
like night time. But don't get us wrong, it is  
still very hott. Just not as hott as the middle of  
the day. But thats completely beside the point.**

**We decided that our ideas need to be heard!**

**So we're back. **_And we're ready .._

**CHAPTER TWO**

**The Stoner**

The Great Hall sat in stunned silence, naught but the sound of a lone tumbleweed disturbing the peace. Although, it wasn't exactly peace, per say, it was more .. not peace. There, sillouhetted against the dim light which shone through the previously kicked open double doors, stood three figures, each in their own peculiar pose. On the left, stood a tall and masculine boy who held both arms out on either side of him, flexing his muscles with a cocky expression upon his face. Beside him, a boy stood, slightly shorter, but with equal muscular proportions, his first finger and thumb cupped in a pistol grip around his chin, a manly, yet curious expression plastered upon his features. And lastly, slightly shorter yet again, but still rather tall, was a boy who's features were shadowed by the cowboy hat he tipped stylishly on an angle infront of his face. All in all, it was quite a spectacle. And hott, can't forget the hott part... The middle one was hottest.

( **KALI ;** why do YOU always get the keyboard ! )  
( **LILY ; **because i am a pirate . garhhh ! )  
( **KALI ; **not this again ! smacks shut UP ! )

Food fell from mouths and spoons were dropped to the floor at the site, however, almost instantly the spectacle was dashed, as a bumbling idiot ruined the scene. The sillouhettes flinched as a small and pudgy boy ran into the light, his arms flailing around crazily, and a moulding chocolate bar clutched desperately in his right hand. "Sorry guys," he puffed, "Forgot Boris. Oh crap, are we posing now?"

With a small jump, he froze in position beside them, one hand on his nipple, the other on his hip, and a disgusting attempt at a seductive look upon his face. Some random girl threw up into her cereal. Even the tumbleweed reacted badly to the pose, dying instantly at seeing the horrific pose that Peter took up. The three sexier _much sexier_ Marauders gave the cousin of Poppinfresh a disgusted look, grumbling about the ruined pose. Suddenly, James noticed Remus' cowboy hat and stared at it curiously. "Remus, where'd you get the hat from?"

( **LILY ; **Yuh .. Where DID he get the hat from ? )

( **KALI ; **Seriously . Shut up . You're embarassing me . )

( **LILY ; **I embarass myself sometimes . shamed expression )

( **KALI ; **Rolls eyes )

Remus smirked, an uncharacteristic look for him and stared at James pointedly, "My pants."

James' jaw dropped, while Sirius frowned, glancing down at his friends pants suspiciously, "What else do you have in there, Moony?"

Remus' chest puffed up proudly, "Hockey Rink. Wanna play?" Drool started to dribble down Peters chin, unnoticed by the boys, whilst he gaped at Remus' pants in ecstacy.

"No! It's in your PANTS, Remus!" James exclaimed, jumping back a little.

Remus pouted, "I wear boxers!" Sirius snorted, trying hard not to laugh at the pitiful expression on his face. "Dude .. No. Besides, I'm hungry."

Remembering where they were, Peter's and James' faces both lit up excitedly as they turned and looked at the tables filled with food. Simultaneously they shouted, "Oh YEAH!" Just as the two were about to head off to the Gryffindor table, Remus screamed, "What about my pants!" One of the girls from the Gryffindor jumped up from her seat and stormed out to where the four boys still stood. Grabbing Remus by the ear, she dragged him to the table, muttering "Don't embarass me like that ever again.." He grinned sheepishly, "Hey Shenavyre. Sweetheart. Babe. Sugarplum." He ran out of compliments quickly. Shenavyre dumped him onto the seat next to Lily, "I'm not forgiving you, Remus. No matter how cute you look."

( **KALI ; **he's so cute . )

( **LILY ; **james is hotter ! )

( **KALI ; **is not ! )

( **LILY ; **you know he is . )

( **KALI ; **pulls a bowie knife out of her pants don't make me threaten you . )

( **LILY ; **screams that came out of your pants ! )

( **KALI ; **yuh . there's also a cheer squad in there . )

( **LILY ; **eww... )

"I just wanted to pose," Remus protested, "Y'know, be a man! Look goooooooooood .. "

Shenavyre sighed, "Yes, but now I shall be known as the girlfriend of that 'dude who posed with the hat '."

"No, actually, people will just know you as the girlfriend of REMUS! The intensely lucky girlfriend of REMUS! Hot and sexy REMUS! In all his hat-posing glory ... Yuh. REMUS!"

Shenavyre blinked and then smacked Remus upside the head, "What's wrong with you?"

Remus giggled and pulled a bong out of his pants, "I'm soo stoned right now."

Shenavyre blinked again, and all in the one moment, smacked Remus again, grabbed the bong, tossed into Severus Snape's head, and smacked Remus for the third time, "What did I tell you about this?"

Remus coughed, "Uh, drugs are .. bad?" He asked uncertainly, and Shenavyre smiled.

"That's right, Remus," her smile fell, "SO WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU SMOKING A BONG!"

"It was calling to me," he said, and his voice became eerie, "Smoke me, Remussss. Smoooke meee!"  
Again, she blinked, "Had you been taking any druge before that point in time .. "

Remus frowned, "I uh, maaay have snorted a little crack. Maybe.. Just a tad.." he answered nervously.

( **KALI ;** so uh why is remus a stoner all of a sudden ? )

( **LILY ; **it eases the pain of his .. 'condition' tear )  
( **KALI ;** uh no .. no it doesn't, lily )

( **LILY ; **okay . maybe not . but it's funnyy ! )

**&&&&&**

"MAGIC MIRROR! Who's the hottest of them all!" James asked the mirror before him.  
"Why, you are ofcourse." It replied, batting it's mirrorey eyelashes.

.. -wait, **scratch that**.

we could get sued for copyright.

Remus, James, Sirius and Peter sat in Proffessor Slughorn's Potions class, seperated into pairs of three. Much to Sirius' dissapointment, he had been placed with Peter, although Shenavyre made up the third member of their group, a god send actually, for she had no problem in slapping Peter at any given point. James and Remus were also placed together, with Lily as their third. The Proffessor gave each pair a different potion to brew, of simple proportions, so there were to be no mishaps. But it was quite clear that the real reason the lesson was set so simply, was because Slughorn had a hangover. And a massive one, at that. However, he rejected the offer of Sirius' home made remedy, and returned to his desk broodingly.

"Okay," Lily huffed, obviously upset about being placed with James Potter, "Professor. Slughorn gave us the .. " She picked up the piece of paper that had their potion written on it and scowled, looking up at James pointedly, with great annoyance in her emerald eyes, " .. The ' James is a legend ' potion" she scoffed.

"Oh Lily," James smirked, "You're much too kind. Really, you didn't have to."

Lily slapped him suddenly and randomly, "Where is the _actual_ piece of paper?"

Rubbing the hand shaped red mark on his cheek, James shrugged, "I dunno. I gave it to Remus."

Lily frowned and turned around, "Remu-" she stopped, staring, "Remus, what are you doing?"

Remus looked up at her, grinning in an unnerving manner, "Smoking a bong. DUH!"

( **KALI ; **..remmy's a permanent stoner ! NO ! )

( **LILY ; **ch .. yuh he is . )

( **KALI ; **I hate you . so very much . )

Anyway ..

Lily tilted her head curiously at Remus and turned her emerald eyes to James, "Where'd he get the drugs from, James?" He shrugged casually and smirked at Remus, giving him a thumbs-up, "No idea. Hey Remmy!"

"Yuh? You called?" He replied, smiling like the dope he is.

"Where'd you get the stash from?"

Remus giggled like a little girl, "I got it from Dumbledore's office."

James and Lily's jaws dropped, seemingly to the floor. "You _what_!" Lily cried, disbelieving.

James sniggered, "Where'd he have it?"

"In the Sorting Hat … How do you think he writes those songs every year? I mean, come on .." Remus continued smoking on the bong.

Lily just stared, "Anyway … About this potion .."

"Whoa .." Remus started, finishing his bong, "There's a potion!"

He was rewarded with a smack on the head from none other than Sirius. Who had been ignored for this whole time for some unknown reason.

( **KALI ; **we have got to stop leaving Sirius out of it . )

( **LILY ; **why ? he's not missing out on much . )

( **KALI ;** do you want Liv to kill us ? )

( **Lily ;** oh yeah .. )

"So … Guys … You realise I have the piece of paper right here?"

James jumped, "Whoa! Where'd you come from?"

Sirius threw Remus' bong at James, "I've been here the whole time, you idiot." Rolling his eyes, he handed the paper over to Lily.

"I can't wait til this class ends …" Lily muttered quietly.

"I concur!" Moony jumped up, raising his hand in agreement, "Because then .. I can get more BONGS!"

Silence filled the room.

"Dude .. "

( **KALI ; **ha .. another chapter finished . go us ! )

( **LILY ;**i know , eh ? yay ! )

( **KALI ; **hey lils .. )

( **LILY ; **yuh ? )

( **KALI ; **shut up . )

( **LILY ; **nevah ! )


	3. The Secret Admirer

**DUN DUN DUNNNN!  
It's pretty much been a year.  
And it's not even hott anymore.  
BUT WE'RE BACKK! Yaa.  
And better than beforeeeee.**

**OH YEAAAHHH! Bow Down.**

**For future reference; we have  
a new friend here with us.  
Respect her and she will not eat you.  
HERE WE GO!**

Chapter Three: The Secret Admirer  
The morning had so far been uneventful. Sirius and Remus sat in the Great Hall with multitudes of food, resting their heads on their fists with weary sighs. "This is lame" Sirius said with a frown.  
"Your face is lame" Remus shot back at him and Sirius randomly and unexpectedly punched Remus right in his face. Remus got the point. You do not mess with Sirius black. And/or his face.  
"That'll learn ya!" Sirius muttered to Remus who could not really hear him because the blow had forced him backwards off the seat and onto the ground. Numerous people were laughing. To most it was entertaining, however both Sirius and Remus (despite the fact that he had previously suffered a blow to the face) were still immensely bored.

That soon changed.

"HOLY MOTHER OF SWEET JESUS AND PERHAPS MOSES I'M NOT REALLY SURE ABOUT THE WHOLE BIBLICAL THING!" Came a jovial cry from the doors of the great hall, followed by a long and deep breath. Sirius turned around, and Remus rolled over to see James standing there clasping a piece of parchment in his hand which he waved around without restraint. Sirius blinked. Remus winced.

"What?" Sirius asked, following James with his eyes as he ran across to them, tripped, got back up, stubbed his toe, kept running, broke his leg on the table, limped desperately across to them, fell over Remus and chucked the piece of paper at Sirius. "Read it" He gasped.

Sirius' eyes were wide, "Dude are you oka-?"  
"READ IT!!!" James shouted.  
"Nobody asks me if I'm okay," Remus cried like a girl.  
"Are you okay?" Came a random's voice.  
"FUCK OFF!" Remus shouted, getting up and running out of the hall, his legs flailing wildly and his hands covering his eyes.

Sirius shrugged and looked to the piece of parchment he now held, just as James stood and took a seat, his every injury having apparently disappeared, and started munging into a chicken leg.

"That's not a chicken leg," came the voice of the owner of the leg he was chewing. James stopped suddenly, looked up, and backed away slowly.

Peter and that girl that fell in love with him in the first chapter ran by. Peter waddling away from her as fast as he could as she threw herself at him time and time again, resulting in a face full of back flab and random food crumbs from the past 3 days. 

Ignoring this, Sirius looked down at the pachment, put on his reading glasses, (Oh yeah) and began to read the letter.

_Dear James,  
I want you and your face. You are so sexy.  
I hope that one day we can run away together  
to Siberia and have beautiful children. And  
teach them to speak Hebrew and we will all  
live in a beautiful cardboard box that my  
family will buy for us on our wedding day.  
Hugrily Yours, Your Secret Admirer. xoxoxo_

Sirius looked up at James, who had previously commenced eating a REAL chicken leg, and rose an eyebrow. "When did you get this?" he asked, and James shrugged, "It was on my bed when I woke up. Hot, right?"

Sirius coughed, "Not exactly the word I was going to use."

**(Yeah hi it's Liv.. They're making me write.. ONWARDS!)  
**

"You're just jealous." James replied with a grin "That Lily wants my sexy body and you can't have it!"

"I don't want your body..." Sirius retorted "I have my own."

"It could totally never compare!"

'Oh, you wanna go?" Sirius asked

"Yeah..."

"Yeah!"

**(ME AGAIN! Lily.. Yeaaaahhhhhhh.)**

"It's on!" James yelled, sweeping the table clean of food and jumping up onto it, suddenly boxing glove and trunks enhanced. Sirius blinked, "Get down off the table, dickhead!" He told him firmly.

James pouted and jumped down, suddenly boxing glove and trunks unenhanced, and took his seat, grabbing back his parchment. Sirius looked at him calculatingly, "What makes you think it was Lily?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and James gave him a dumbfounded look which clearly said 'Duh you unintelligent fooooool!' before responding, "Dude. Quite obviously she wants me bad. But she's too scared to admit it because I'm so manly she's just overwhelmed. Besides, she's smart. I don't know anyone else who would know what or where the fuck Siberia is? Do you know? PLEASE TELL ME! I need to know the location of my future children enhanced cardboard box!"

Sirius stood up, and slowly left.

**&&&&&**

_  
_Lily, Livia and Shenavyre were in the middle of a RIVETING game of Truth Or Dare in their dormitory when Remus kicked the door down, assless chaps, toy gun and eye patch enhanced.

**(LILY: I enjoy the word enhanced.)  
(KALI & LIV: We noticed.)  
(LILY: You loooooovvveee me!)  
(KALI: The eye patch does NOT go with that outfit.)  
(LILY: I'M MAKING A FASHION STATEMENT!)**

"Why hello their ladies" he began, tipping his hat with a southern accent as he took a few slow steps forwards, smoke and light pouring out from behind his sillouhette like how it happened in the movies, "You wouldn't happen to be needing any _assistance, _would ya?"

The three girls scrambled backwards, "Oh for fucks sake!" Shenavyre cried, covering her face and shaking her head as Lily averted her eyes and Liv burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

"How much pot have you smoked today?" Shenavyre asked through her fingers and Remus grinned in ecstasy, "Oh baby, this ain't pot, this is LOOOVVE! The love is feel for you. Ohhhh yeaaaahhh! I'm bad, baby!

Bad to the bone. And I'm gonna sweep you off your feet onto my valiant steed and we can ride off into the sunset together!" His voice got lower with every syllable and Shenavyre looked up slowly, before in an instant she had propelled herself into his arms, "OH ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME!" She cried, cutting off the circulation to his vital organs.

Lily and Liv ran from the room screaming, shutting the door behind them with a terrifying slam. They took three deep breaths before they started hearing mumblings from inside the room and the two of them tripped and fell down the stairs. Livia conveniently landed on a trampoline which propelled her into the arms of the one, the only Sirius Black. Who dropped her, shouting, "I JUST HAD A SHOWER!" However, he soon realised that it was Livia, and not the usual fag that jumped into his arms. The usual fag of course being Peter. "Oh shit. Sorry." He said, picking her up, running up the top of the stairs, tripping her, beating her to the bottom, watching as she hit the trampoline, and catching her with a convenient bow and sly smile, "Sup babayyy?!"

"WHY WAS THAT ENTIRE PROCESS NECESSARY?!" Liv shouted. Sirius shrugged, "You loved it."

"Oh DUDE! I got another one!" Came an ecstatic voice from the corner as a letter dropped itself into James' lap and he ripped it open.

_Dear James,  
I meant what I said about Siberia. I love you so much. I love your every little feature. Your hair, your nose, your eyes, your feet, your twelve toes, your slightly undersized penis, the way you hit on yourself when nobody else is around, the way you smell after you get off your broom, the way your head changes shape day by day, the way you attempt to grow a moustache but it never works, the way you stay awake at night and when you think everybody else is asleep, you rehearse the script fot the game show you plan to host one day. But most of all I love they it burns when you pee. For all these reasons, I want you. Now. Meet me in the Broom Closet. Come unclothed. xoxoxoxoxoxoxox_

"Well, read it out!" Sirius urged, but James looked at him for a moment before shoving the letter into his pants pocket and shaking his head, "I don't think so" he replied instantly, before clearing his throat and standing. James made his way across to Lily slyly and when no-one else was looking he winked and rushed out of the portrait hole. By the time he had reached the infamous Broom Closet, he had done what the letter had suggested, and leading all the way back to the Fat Lady there was random pieces of clothing scattered throughout the distance. James snickered, and opened the door, jumping inside.

"You came!" Came a voice, and James jumped, "Wow, you got here fast!" he announced, turning around but finding that the dark was far too black for him to look upon Lily's lovely face. "One moment sweetheart. I wanna see you!" Reaching into his pocket.. Um. Considering he's not wearing any clothes, we'll just say that he has a pocket of skin right below his left hip. It's a birth defect, and James doesn't like to talk about it... Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a lighter, and with one quick flame...

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What the fuck?" An equally naked Remus shouted, "You're not Shenavyre! WHY ARE YOU HERE?!"

James, who had thrown himself backwards against the closet door and dropped the lighter, squealed like a girl, "You're not Lily!"

"No. What the fuck? Get your own closet time! Me and Shenavyre have a date here! Right now. I sent her a letter!" Remus said.

James blinked, "Oh god," he cried, "OH.MY.FUCKING.GOD!"

"What? WHAT?!"

"Are you talking about the Secret Admirer letters?"

"..Yes..."

"YOU SENT THEM TO ME YOU FAGGOT!"

Remus squealed, "NO! How? WHY?!"

"You must have been stoned." James sighed, wishing he were clothed. And also wishing that Remus were clothed. They couldn't see each other but that could also be a bad thing. Because one wrong move and BAM! ..Certain.. Things.. could Touch. And that would NOT be good! Ew.

"How could I make a mistake that big?!" Remus cried.

"You were stoned." James explained.

"OH NO! That just makes me wonder.. What else have I done?"

They didn't have to wait long to find out. Because at that moment, the closet door opened and another body squeezed itself in.

"WHO IS THAT?!" James shouted, and they heard the all-too-familair squeal of Peter. "James!" He squeaked, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here too, Peter." Remus sighed, which caused Peter to both squeal and scream, begin to sweat, shake, mutter, drop something, and run from the closet without so much as a goodbye. James lit his lighter and picked up the polaroid which Peter had dropped, looking at it for but a second before he screamed like a girl and dropped it.

Remus scowled and picked up the polaroid, using the light of James' lighter to analyse the photo. He frowned observantly, nodding his head briefly before he finally said, "Wow."

James, scarred for life, squeaked, "What?"

"I look good in handcuffs!"

**FIN.**  
_  
_**  
**


End file.
